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Acknowledgments
Introduction
LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH
FINDING A BETTER WAY
THE NEW CRISIS OF PARENTING
LOVE- VERSUS FEAR-BASED PARENTING
CHILDREN TODAY ARE DIFFERENT
GIVING UP PUNISHMENT
THE RESULTS OF FEAR-BASED PARENTING
NOT ENOUGH TIME TO PARENT
UPDATING YOUR PARENTING SKILLS
1
Children Are from Heaven
EVERY CHILD HAS HIS OR HER OWN UNIQUE PROBLEMS
THE FIVE MESSAGES OF POSITIVE PARENTING
A VISION OF POSSIBILITIES
2
What Makes the Five Messages Work
THE PRESSURE OF PARENTING
REINVENTING PARENTING
A SHORT HISTORY OF PARENTING
VIOLENCE IN, VIOLENCE OUT
WHY CHILDREN BECOME UNRULY AND DISRUPTIVE
A GLOBAL SHIFT IN CONSCIOUSNESS
3
New Skills to Create Cooperation
ASK, BUT DON’T ORDER OR DEMAND
USE “WOULD YOU” AND NOT “COULD YOU”
GIVE UP RHETORICAL QUESTIONS
BE DIRECT
GIVE UP EXPLANATIONS
GIVE UP GIVING LECTURES
DON’T USE FEELINGS TO MANIPULATE
THE MAGIC WORD TO CREATE COOPERATION
A SHORT REVIEW AND PRACTICE
WHAT TO DO WHEN CHILDREN RESIST
4
New Skills to
Minimize Resistance
FOUR SKILLS TO MINIMIZE RESISTANCE
THE FOUR TEMPERAMENTS
LOVING RITUALS
PRACTICAL RITUALS
GIVING OUR CHILDREN WHAT THEY NEED
5
New Skills for Improving
Communication
WHY CHILDREN RESIST
TAKING TIME TO LISTEN
THE TWO CONDITIONS
HARD-LOVE PARENTING
SOFT-LOVE PARENTING
LEARNING TO DELAY GRATIFICATION
MEETING YOUR CHILDREN’S NEEDS
6
News Skills for Increasing
Motivation
A SHORT UPDATE ON PUNISHMENT
WHY AND WHEN PUNISHMENT WORKED
THE POSITIVE SIDE OF PUNISHMENT
THE SIMPLE PROOF
THE ALTERNATIVE TO PUNISHMENT IS REWARD
THE TWO REASONS A CHILD MISBEHAVES
WHY GIVING REWARDS WORKS
NEGATIVE ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
CATCHING YOUR CHILD BEING GOOD
OR DOING THE RIGHT THING
THE MAGIC OF REWARDS
WHY CHILDREN RESIST OUR DIRECTION
UNDERSTANDING REWARDS
REWARDS ACCORDING TO TEMPERAMENTS
SAMPLE REWARDS
ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING UP YOUR SLEEVE
A LIST OF REWARDS
RECURRING PATTERNS
REWARDING TEENAGERS
DEALING WITH A DEMANDING CHILD IN PUBLIC
REWARDS ARE LIKE DESSERT
LEARNING FROM NATURAL CONSEQUENCES
THE FEAR OF REWARDS
7
New Skills for
Asserting Leadership
LEARNING HOW TO COMMAND
DON’T USE EMOTIONS TO COMMAND
IT’S OKAY TO MAKE MISTAKES
WHEN EMOTIONS ARE NOT HELPFUL
YELLING DOESN’T WORK
MAKE YOUR COMMANDS POSITIVE
COMMAND BUT DON’T EXPLAIN
COMMANDING TEENAGERS
REASONS AND RESISTANCE
A BETTER WAY OF COMMANDING
INCREASING COOPERATION
CHOOSING YOUR BATTLES
8
New Skills for Maintaining
Control
THE NEED FOR TIME OUT
HOW NEGATIVE FEELINGS GET RELEASED
THE IDEAL TIME OUT
EXPLAINING TIME OUTS
FOUR COMMON MISTAKES
HUGGING DAD
ADJUSTING YOUR WILL VERSUS CAVING IN
WHEN TO GIVE TIME OUT
THREE STRIKES AND YOU ARE OUT
WHEN TIME OUT DOESN’T WORK
WHAT MAKES THE FIVE SKILLS WORK
9
It’s Okay to
Be Different
GENDER DIFFERENCES
DIFFERENT NEEDS FOR TRUST AND CARING
CONTINUING TO TRUST AND CARE
BOYS ARE FROM MARS, GIRLS ARE FROM VENUS
MR. FIX-IT
MRS. HOME IMPROVEMENT
WHEN ADVICE IS GOOD
BOYS FORGET AND GIRLS REMEMBER
DIFFERENT GENERATIONS
THE CULTURE OF VIOLENCE
DIFFERENT TEMPERAMENTS
HOW TEMPERAMENTS TRANSFORM
AFTERNOON ACTIVITIES
DIFFERENT BODY TYPES
DIFFERENT INTELLIGENCE
DIFFERENT SPEEDS OF LEARNING
GOOD HERE BUT NOT GOOD THERE
COMPARING CHILDREN
10
It’s Okay to
Make Mistakes
FROM INNOCENCE TO RESPONSIBILITY
WHOSE FAULT IS IT ANYWAY?
LEARNING RESPONSIBILITY
HARDWIRED TO SELF-CORRECT
YOUR CHILD’S LEARNING CURVE
UNDERSTANDING REPETITION
LEARNING FROM MISTAKES
LEARNING TO MAKE AMENDS
DON’T PUNISH, MAKE ADJUSTMENTS
HOW TO REACT WHEN CHILDREN MAKE A MISTAKE
DOING YOUR BEST IS GOOD ENOUGH
WHEN IT IS NOT OKAY TO MAKE MISTAKES
HIDING MISTAKES AND NOT TELLING THE TRUTH
CHILDREN OF DIVORCED PARENTS
NOT SETTING HIGH STANDARDS OR TAKING RISKS
JUSTIFYING MISTAKES OR BLAMING OTHERS
TEENS AT RISK
LOW SELF-ESTEEM AND SELF-PUNISHMENT
MAKING IT OKAY TO MAKE MISTAKES
11
It’s Okay to Express
Negative Emotions
THE IMPORTANCE OF MANAGING FEELINGS
LEARNING TO MANAGE FEELINGS
COPING WITH LOSS
WHY EXPRESSING EMOTION HELPS
THE POWER OF EMPATHY
THE FIVE-SECOND PAUSE
WHEN CHILDREN RESIST EMPATHY
WHEN PARENTS EXPRESS NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
THE MISTAKE OF SHARING FEELINGS
ASKING CHILDREN HOW THEY FEEL
WHAT YOU SUPPRESS, YOUR CHILDREN WILL EXPRESS
THE BLACK SHEEP OF THE FAMILY
MAKING NEGATIVE EMOTIONS OKAY
12
It’s Okay to
Want More
THE FEARS ABOUT DESIRE
THE VIRTUES OF GRATITUDE
PERMISSION TO NEGOTIATE
LEARNING TO SAY NO
TEN WAYS TO SAY NO
ASKING FOR MORE
MODELING HOW TO ASK
THE POWER OF ASKING
GIVING TOO MUCH
CHILDREN WILL ALWAYS WANT MORE
CHILDREN OF DIVORCED PARENTS
THE LONGING OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT
13
It’s Okay to Say No, but Mom and Dad
Are the Bosses
HOW PARENTS AFFECT THEIR CHILDREN
COPING WITH NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
THE DEVELOPMENT OF COGNITIVE ABILITIES
CHILDREN’S NEED FOR REASSURANCE
CHILDREN HAVE A DIFFERENT MEMORY
COPING WITH INCREASED WILL
BALANCING FREEDOM AND CONTROL
TWO PROBLEMS OF LOSING CONTROL
THE NINE-YEAR STAGES OF MATURITY
THE DEVELOPMENT OF RESPONSIBILITY
UNDERSTANDING THE GENERATION LINE
DIVORCE AND THE GENERATION LINE
CONTROLLING YOUR PRETEENS AND TEENS
USING THE INTERNET TO IMPROVE COMMUNICATION
GETTING SUPPORT FROM OTHER PARENTS
14
Putting the Five Messages into Practice
MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS
FATHERS AND DAUGHTERS
MOTHERS AND SONS
FATHERS AND SONS
TEENS SECRETLY APPRECIATE LIMITS
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD TAKES DRUGS
DEALING WITH DISRESPECTFUL LANGUAGE
PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY
MAKING DECISIONS
THE CYCLES OF SEVEN
WHY TEENS REBEL
IMPROVING COMMUNICATION WITH TEENS
RESPECT YOUR TEEN’S OPINIONS
SENDING YOUR TEEN AWAY
INSTEAD OF “DON’T” USE “I WANT”
ASKING YOUR CHILDREN WHAT THEY THINK
THE CHALLENGE OF PARENTING
THE GIFTS OF GREATNESS
A b o u t t h e A u t h o r
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher