1. The Real Reason People Sit Like Idiots Watching Parades
2. Heaven, Hockey, and the Ice Water of Despair
3. Why “NeuroToxin” Is Now My Favorite Word in the English Language
4. Photo Ops, Flulike Symptoms, and Trident Exchange in the Hallway of Life
5. People Sign Their Lives Away for the Dumbest Reasons, but Don’t Blame Me, I Just Wrote the Contract
6. A Nasty Herd of Elephants That Are Nowhere Near as Embarrassingly Adorable as Me. Don’t Ask.
7. Recipes for Disaster from the Undisputed Master of Time, Live on Your TV Screen
8. Who Needs Cash When You’ve Got Time Coming Out of Your Ears?
9. Echolocate This
10. Collateral Damage, Relative Humidity, and Lemon Pledge in the Dust Bowl of My Life
11 It’s Amazing What You Can Get for $49.95
12. Repossession Is Nine-tenths of the Law, The Other Tenth Is Not My Problem
13. Kidnap Ye Grouchy Gentleman, with Something to Dismay
14. Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me, Think I’ll Eat Some Worms
15. Mona-Mona-Bo-Bona, Bonano-Fano-Fo-Fona
16. The Day That Forever Will Be Known as “Black Wednesday”
17. My Head Explodes Like Mount St. Helens, and I’ll Probably Be Picking Up the Pieces for Years
18. Go Ahead... Tenderize My Meat.
19. I Love You, You’re an Idiot, Now Let’s All Go Home
20. Life Is Cheap, but Mine Is Worth More Than a Buck Ninety-eight in a Free-Market Economy
21. We’ll Always Have Paris, Capisce?
22. A Weed Grows in Brooklyn
APPENDIX 1
APPENDIX 2
APPENDIX 3
