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Author’s Qualifications to Write a Book About Babies
Chapter 1
SHOULD YOU HAVE A BABY? SHOULD ANYBODY?
Some Important Pompous Advice to Couples about to Get Pregnant
Quiz for Young Couples Who Want to Have a Baby and Who Clearly Have No Idea What They’re Getting Into
Male Birth Control
The Condom Lady
Female Birth Control
How Much Does It Cost to Have a Baby?
The Cost of Everything After the Baby Is Born Right Up Until It Goes to College or, God Help You, Graduate School
Should the Woman Quit Her Job to Have a Baby?
What About Insurance?
The Intangible Benefits
Chapter 2
PREGNANCY
The Female Reproductive System
Fertilization
The Stages of Development of the Fetus
Pregnancy and Diet
Answers to Common Questions About Pregnancy
Important Advice for Husbands
Teaching Your Child in the Uterus
The Baby Shower
Chapter 3
GETTING READY FOR BABY
Precautions around the Home
Baby’s Room
Baby’s Crib
Other Furniture for Baby’s Room
Baby’s Clothes
Baby’s Toys
Diapers: Cloth vs. Disposable
Chapter 4
PREPARING FOR BIRTH
An Important Message about Professional Childbirth-Preparation Terminology
How Your Mother Had Babies, and Why We Now Feel It Was All Wrong
Choosing a Hospital
Childbirth Classes: Learning to Breathe
The Magic Word
Chapter 5
THE ACTUAL BLESSED EVENT
What to Do If You Can’t Get to the Hospital
Three Problems That Could Prevent You from Getting to the Hospital in Time
What Will Happen to You If You Get to the Hospital
The Big Moment
What to Do Immediately after Birth
Bonding
Chapter 6
THE HOSPITAL STAY
A Reassuring Word for First-Time Parents About Hospital Baby-Identification Procedures
Visitors in the Hospital
How Long Should the Mother Stay in the Hospital after the Baby Comes Out?
Naming Your Baby
Some Heavy Thoughts to Think during the Hospital Stay
Chapter 7
MAINTENANCE OF A NEW BABY
The Basic Baby Mood Cycle
When Should You Feed Your Baby?
Should You Breast-Feed or Bottle-Feed Your Baby?
Learning to Breast-Feed
Common Problems with Breast-Feeding
What Is Colic?
Changing Your Baby’s Diapers
Chapter 8
THE FIRST SIX MONTHS
Baby’s Development during the First Six Months
Disciplining a New Baby
Baby-Tending for Men
Men’s Baby-Maintenance Chart
Advice to Women about Babies and Jobs
Choosing a Pediatrician
Babysitters
Safety Tip
Songs for New Babies
Three Traditional Baby Games
Babies and Pets
Baby Albums
Chapter 9
SIX MONTHS TO A YEAR
Development During the Second Six Months
Baby’s First Solid Food
How to Feed Solid Food to a Baby
What to Do When a Baby Puts a Horrible Thing in Its Mouth
Traveling with Baby
Taking a Baby on an Airplane
Teething
Quick-Reference Baby Medical-Emergency Chart
Chapter 10
THE SECOND YEAR
Major Developments during the Second Year
What to Do when a One-Year-Old Starts Screaming in a Shopping Mall, and the Reason Is That You Won’t Let It Eat the Pizza Crust That Somebody, Who Was Probably Diseased, Left in the Public Ashtray amid the Sand and the Saliva-Soaked Cigar Butts, but the Other Shoppers Are Staring at You as if to Suggest That You Must Be Some Kind of Heartless Child-Abusing Nazi Scum
Walking
Talking
Books for One-Year-Olds
Teaching Small Children to Read
How to Put a One-Year-Old to Bed
Bedtime Songs
Potty Training
The Traditional Potty Training Technique
Nutrition
The Basic Baby Food Nutrition Groups
Chapter 11
THE THIRD YEAR
How to Discipline a Two-Year-Old
The Traditional Escalating Futile Parental Disciplinary Threats
Fears Your Mother Teaches You during Childhood
Toys for Two-Year-Olds
How to Hold a Birthday Party for Two-Year-Olds
A Word about Smurfs, Snoopy, Strawberry Shortcake, and All the Other Nauseating Little Characters That You Swear You Will Never Allow in Your Home
Questions
Preschool Programs
The Little Boy and the Toad (A Child-Participation Bedtime Story)
Epilogue
SHOULD YOU HAVE ANOTHER?
Index