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Foreword
Inspirational Opening Anecdote Explaining the Author’s Lifelong Personal Commitment To Health and Fitness
Introduction
Four Reasons Why You Must Get Fit Immediately
How Insects Stay Fit
So the Bottom Line Is ...
How Fit Are You?
Calculating Your Final “Fitness Quotient”
Important Medical Note
Chapter 1. How Your Body Works
The Skin
The Muscle System
The Skeletal System
The Digestive System
The Central Nervous System
Your Respiratory System
The Circulatory System
Chapter 2. Getting Ready To Get Started
The Basic Fitness Fashion Look for Women
Fitness Fashion for Men
Fitness with Computers
Choosing the Right Place to Get Fit
Saunas
When to Actually Start Your Fitness Program
Chapter 3. Women’s Total Complete Aerobic Fitness Workout
Warming Up
The Actual Workout
Cooling Down
Chapter 4. Running
An Important Safety Note about Running
What Kind of Person Should Take Up Running, and What Will Happen to This Person’s Knees
Choosing the Right Running Shoe
Choosing the Left Running Shoe
What to Wear on the Rest of Your Body
Where to Run
Chapter 5. Popular Sports
Ski Jumping
Peewee Football
Racquetball
Professional Ice Hockey
Golf
Swimming
Pig Lifting
Fitness for the Business Traveler
Center-City Jogging
Chapter 6. Bodybuilding
Weights: A Stupid Idea
How Nautilus Equipment Works
The Trouble with Nautilus Equipment
Announcing a Totally New Amazing Scientific Affordable Bodybuilding Device That You Can Use in Your Own Home
Chapter 7. Nutrition
Why You Should Watch What You Eat
How Your Digestive System Works
Eating a “Balanced Diet”
What You Can Learn from Reading the Labels on Foods
About Vitamins
Vitamins in Food
Minerals in Food
What about Fiber?
A Thoughtful Philosophical Discussion of Vegetarianism
Chapter 8. Dieting And Weight Control
Do You Weigh the Proper Amount?
The Simple, Basic, Obvious Truth about Losing Weight
The Handsome Sincere Random Doctor Medical Diet Poop Yourself Thin The Elvis Presley Memorial Diet The Total Tapeworm Diet How to Lose Weight in the Coming Depression Shed Unwanted Ounces the Orson Welles Way The Dead Preppy Cat Microcomputer Diet Book The All-Goat-Products Diet The Frequent Casual Motel Sex Diet The Amazing Mother Theresa Weight Loss Plan
Common Questions Often Asked about Losing Weight
Announcing the Dave Barry Guaranteed, Surefire, Safe, Proven, Medically Unusual Weight Loss Device For Human Beings Belonging to the General Public
What the Experts Say about the Dave Barry Weight Loss Device
Chapter 9. Women’s Beauty And Grooming
The First Step toward a More Beautiful You
What You, Personally, Need to Do about Your Appearance
Personal Hygiene
Chapter 10. Men’s Beauty And Grooming
Hair
A Sincere Discussion of Baldness
Skin
Makeup
Chapter 11. When You Get Sick
How You Can Tell When There Is Something Wrong with You
Dealing with Doctors
Paying for Your Hospital Treatment
Chapter 12. Fitness Q And A
Fitness and the Expectant Mother
Fitness and the Afterlife
Fitness and Sex
Fitness and the Third World
Postwar Fitness
Office Fitness
Index
