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For pity’s sake, Fritz, please stop fiddling
^{MINI Countryman Cooper S ALL4}

No nasty surprises in this gooey confection
^{Audi A7 Sportback 3.0 TDI quattro SE}

Oh yes, take me now, Lady Marmalade
^{Citroën DS3 Racing}

It’s hardly British but learn to haggle
^{Mitsubishi Outlander 2.2 DI-D GX4, 7 seats}

Try this moose suit for size, Mr Top Gun
^{Saab 9-3 SportWagon Aero TtiD 180PS}

Titter ye not, it’s built for the clown about town
^{Nissan Juke 1.6 DIG-T Tekna}

Those yurt dwellers have got it right
^{Land Rover Freelander 2 eD4 HSE 2WD}

Little Luigi’s turbo boost
^{Fiat 500 0.9 TwinAir Lounge}

I don’t fancy Helga von Gargoyle… Can’t think why
^{Porsche Panamera 3.6 V6 PDK}

Damn it, Spock, we can’t shake off Arthur Daley
^{Jaguar XJ 5.0 Supercharged Supersport LWB 4dr}

Bruce’s bonzer duck-billed koala
^{Ford Falcon FPV Boss 335 GT}

Botox and a bikini wax and I’m ready to roll
^{Jensen Interceptor S}

Oh, barman, my pint of pitbull has gone all warm and fluffy
^{Ford Focus Titanium 1.6 Ecoboost}

Pointless but fun – what a good wheeze
^{Renault Wind Roadster GT Line 1.6 VVT}

Prepare your moobs for a workout
^{Aston Martin Virage}

The old duffer trots out in boy-racer colours
^{Skoda Faiba vRS1.4 TSI DSG}

What’s the Swedish-Chinese for I can’t see?
^{Volvo V60 T5 R-Design}

I love you now I’m all grown up, Helga
^{Porsche 911 GTS}

Oh, miss, you turn me into a raging despot
^{Mercedes CLS 63 AMG}

From 0 to 40 winks in the blink of an eye
^{BMW 640i SE convertible}

Oh, Shrek, squeeze me till it hurts
^{Nissan GT-R}

A world first – the Ferrari 4 × what for?
^{Ferrari FF}

Work harder, boy, or it will be you in here
^{VW Jetta 2.0 TDI Sport}

Too tame for the special flair service
^{Audi RS 3}

An asthmatic accountant in lumberjack clothing
^{Mazda CX-7}

Someone please check I haven’t left my spleen back there
^{BAC Mono}

I thought it looked humdrum. But wow!
^{Honda Accord Type S}

You vill never handle zis torture
^{Mercedes-Benz G 350 Bluetec}

Strip out all the tricks and it’s still a wizard
^{Audi A6 SE 3.0 TDI}

Open up them pearly gates…
^{Lamborghini Gallardo LP570-4 Spyder Performante}

Oh, grunting frump, you looked so fine on the catwalk
^{Jaguar XF 2.2 Diesel Premium Luxury}

Now we’re flying
^{Mercedes-Benz SLS Roadster}

The topless tease luring men to ridicule
^{VW Golf Cabriolet GT}

I’m sold, Mrs Beckham – I want your baby
^{Range Rover Evoque Prestige SD4 auto}

I say, chaps, who needs a fourth wheel?
^{Morgan Three Wheeler}

Beach beauties love my bucking bronto
^{Lamborghini Aventador LP 700-4}

Hop in, Charles, it’s a Luddite’s dream
^{Mercedes C 63 AMG coupé Black Series}

It’s no cruiser but it can doggy-paddle
^{Jeep Grand Cherokee 3.0 CRD V6 Overland}

Uh-oh, some fool’s hit the panic button
^{Chevrolet Orlando 1.8 LTZ}

Simply no use for taking the kids to see Granny
^{Audi R8 GT}

Amazing where bottle tops and string will get you
^{Hyundai i40 1.7 CRDi 136PS Style}

Bong! I won’t let you go until you love me
^{BMW M5}

A heart transplant sexes up Wayne’s pet moose
^{Bentley Continental GT V8}

The arms race is over and Vera Lynn has won
^{Aston Martin DBS Carbon Edition}

Good doggy – let’s give the bark plugs a workout
^{Suzuki Swift Sport 1.6}

Look what oi got, Farmer Giles: diamanté wellies
^{Jeep Wrangler 2.8 CRD Sahara Auto 4-door}

Powered by beetroot, the hand-me-down that keeps Russia rolling
^{Lada Riva}

The yummiest of ingredients but the soufflé’s gone flat
^{Porsche 911 Carrera}

I ran into an EU busybody and didn’t feel a thing
^{BMW 640d (with M Sport package)}

Blimey, you’ve got this mouse to roar, Fritz
^{Volkswagen High Up!}

Styled for mercenaries. Driven by mummy
^{Ford Kuga 2.0 TDCi Titanium X PowerShift}

Simply the best, but so bashful buying one is verboten
^{BMW 328i Modern}

Click away, paparazzi, I’ve got nice clean Y-fronts
^{Audi A8 3.0 TFSI}

Get a grip – it’s only a Roller
^{Rolls-Royce Phantom II}

I know about your frilly knickers, Butch
^{Mercedes SLK 55 AMG}

Fritz calls it a soft-roader. I call him soft in the head
^{Audi Q3 2.0 TDI quattro SE S tronic}

Cheer up – Napoleon got shorty shrift too
^{Mini Cooper S roadster}

That funny noise is just Einstein hiding under the bonnet
^{Ford Focus 1.0 EcoBoost 125PS Titanium}

Gosh, never thought I’d dump Kate Moss so fast
^{Citroën DS5 DSport HDi 160 automatic}

Squeeze in, Queenie, there’s space next to Tom Cruise
^{Kia Cee-d ‘2’ 1.6 GDI}

The wife’s away, so come check out my electric extremity
^{Mercedes-Benz ML 350 BlueTec 4Matic Sport}

If I go back to Africa, will you take it away again?
^{Porsche 911 Carrera S cabriolet}

Oh, Miss Ennis, let’s sprint to seventh heaven
^{Ferrari 458 Spider}

Yikes! The plumber’s van has put a leak in my wallet
^{Citroën Berlingo}

Gary the ram raider cracks Fermat’s last theorem
^{Vauxhall Astra VXR 2.0i Turbo}

Kiss goodbye to your no-claims – Mr Fender-bender has a new toy
^{Peugeot 208 1.2 VTi Allure}

The nip and tuck doesn’t fool anyone, Grandma
^{Jaguar XKR-S}

Wuthering werewolves, a beast made for the moors
^{Lexus LFA}

It’s certainly cheap… but I can’t find cheerful
^{Skoda Octavia vRS}

Ooh, it feels good to wear my superhero outfit again
^{Toyota GT86}

OK, Sister Maria, try tailgating me now
^{Audi S6 4.0 TFSI quattro}

It’s Sunday, the sun is out – let’s go commando
^{Ferrari California 30}

Yo, bruv, check out da Poundland Bentley
^{Chrysler 300C Executive}

Out with the flower power, in with the toothbrush moustache
^{VW Beetle 1.4 TSI Sport}

You can keep your schnapps, Heidi – I’ll have cider with Rosie
^{Mercedes A 250 AMG}

A real stinker from Silvio, the lav attendant
^{Chrysler Ypsilon}

Ask nicely and it’ll probably cook you dinner underwater
^{BMW M135i}

The pretty panzer parks on Jurgen’s golf links
^{Volvo V40 D4 SE Nav}

I ordered a full English but ended up with bubble and squeak
^{Aston Martin Vanquish}

The cocaine chintz has been kept in check
^{Range Rover Vogue SDV8 4.4L V8 Vogue}

Thanks, guys, from the heart of my bottom
^{Audi RS 4 Avant 4.2 FSI quattro}

Just like Anne Boleyn, there’s no magic with the head off
^{Volkswagen Golf GTI cabriolet 2.0 TSi}

Come on, caravanners, see if it will tackle the quicksand
^{Hyundai Santa-Fe Premium 7-seat}

No one can reinvent the wheel quite like you, Fritz
^{VW Golf 1.4 TSI ACT GT}

Great at a shooting party – for gangsters
^{Mercedes CLS63 AMG Shooting Brake}

Yippee! It’s OK to be a Bentley boy again
^{Bentley Continental GT Speed}

Thrusters on, Iron Man, this’ll cut through the congestion
^{Audi R8 5.2 FSI quattro S tronic}

They’ll be flying off the shelves at Poundland
^{Porsche 911 Carrera 4S}

So awful I wouldn’t even give it to my son
^{Alfa Romeo MiTo 875cc TwinAir Distinctive}

Off to save the planet with my African queen
^{BMW528i Touring SE (1999, T-reg)}

Oh, I hate the noise you make in ‘wounded cow’ mode
^{Toyota Corolla GX (aka the Auris but GX model not sold in UK)}

That puts paid to my theory on the ascent of manual
^{Aston Martin Vantage V12 roadster}

Oh, how you’ll giggle while strangling that polar bear
^{Ford Fiesta ST 1.6T EcoBoost}

Another bad dream in a caravan of horrors
^{Honda CR-V 2.2 I-D TEC EX}

Ooh, you make me go weak at the knees… and the hips and the spine
^{Jaguar F-Type S}

Mirror, signal, skedaddle – Mr Bump’s been turbocharged
^{Peugeot 208 GTi}

Not now, Cato – keep turning the egg whisk while I push
^{MG6 Magnette 1.9 DTi-Tech}

No grid girls, no red trousers – it’s formula school run
^{Mazda CX-5 2WD SE-L}

Where does Farmer Giles eat his pork pie?
^{Range Rover Sport SDV6 Autobiography}

They only make one car. But it’s a nice colour
^{Porsche Cayman S with PDK}

Say the magic word and the howling banshee turns sultry sorceress
^{McLaren 12C Spider}

Take the doors off and put them back on? That’ll be £24,000, sir
^{BMW M6 Gran Coupé}

Thunderbird and Mustang have gone, so what’ll we call it, chaps?
^{Vauxhall Adam}

Ha! They’ll never catch me now I’m the invisible man
^{VW Golf GTI 2.0 TSI Performance Pack}

Coo! A baby thunderclap from Merc’s OMG division
^{Mercedes-Benz A45 AMG}

From the nation that brought you Le Mans… A tent with wheels
^{Citroën DS3 cabrio DSport}

The fun begins once you’ve arm-wrestled Mary Poppins for control
^{Audi RS 5 cabriolet quattro 4.2 FSI}

Gliding gently into the parking slot reserved for losers
^{Peugeot 2008}

Where the hell did they hide the ‘keeping up with Italians’ button?
^{Jaguar F-type}

Go and play with your flow chart, Comrade Killjoy, while I floor it
^{Audi RS 6 Avant}

Who lent Scrooge the ninja costume?
^{Lexus IS 300h F Sport}

Crikey, the Terminator has joined the Carry On team
^{Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG Black Series}

Grab her lead and forget all about the mess on the floor
^{Alfa Romeo 4C}

Goodbye, Dino. It’s the age of the mosquito
^{McLaren P1}

Watch out, pedestrians, I’m packing lasers
^{Mercedes-Benz S 500 L AMG Line}

I can see the mankini peeking out over your waistband
^{BMW 435i M Sport coupé}

The crisp-baked crust hides a splodge of soggy dough
^{Kia Pro_Cee’d GT Tech}

A menace to cyclists, cars, even low-flying aircraft
^{Audi SQ5 3.0 BiTDI quattro}

I’m sorry, Comrade. No Iron Curtain, no deal
^{Dacia Sandero Access 1.2}

You’re off by a country mile with this soggy pudding, Subaru
^{Subaru Forester 2.0 Lineartronic XT}

You can’t play bumper cars, but the bouncy castle’s brilliant
^{Volvo V40 T5 R-Design Lux}

Drives on water and raises Lazarus in 4.1 seconds
^{Aston Martin Vanquish Volante}

Praise for Clarkson:

About the Author

By the same author

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