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FIVE RARE TIMES THAT IANTO JONES SWEARS*
RHYS IS SUNDAY SHOPPING WITH THE MISSUS
1. STATUS UPDATES EMMA WEBSTER IS…
EMMA WEBSTER HAS A PLAN FOR A BRAND NEW ME
GWEN IS LATE FOR WORK
EMMA IS HAVING HER LAST BAD DAY AT WORK
IANTO IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN STATIC CLING
CAPTAIN JACK IS FEELING BUOYANT
DORICE IS HER USUAL RED
GWEN IS WEARING CORPSE
PATRICK MATTHEWS IS NOT DEAD
EMMA WEBSTER IS ATTENDING SPEED-DATING IN THE BAY
TOMBOLA’S IS THE IDEAL VENUE FOR YOUR NEXT PARTY
BREN IS VERY PRECISE
GWEN IS AWAKE FIRST
IANTO IS STAYING IN BED
EMMA WEBSTER IS PLOTTING REVENGE
IANTO TRIES BEIGE
EMMA WEBSTER IS HAVING IT MEDIUM
JACK IS PUZZLED
EMMA WEBSTER IS ON A DATE
JOE STERLING IS LISTED AS BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH EMMA WEBSTER
GWEN AND IANTO GET A SHOPPING MONTAGE
CAPTAIN JACK IS AVAILABLE FOR CHILDREN’S PARTIES
EMMA WEBSTER IS WITH HER PERFECT MAN
RHYS WILLIAMS IS COOKING UP A STORM
JOE STERLING IS DUMPED
SERGEANT PEPPER IS A LONELY HEART’S CLUB BAND
EMMA WEBSTER IS SELECTING HER NEXT VICTIM
GWEN IS LOSING THE ARGUMENT
HELENA CARTER IS MAKING MONEY FROM THE MISERY OF OTHERS
PATRICK MATTHEWS IS VERY MUCH STILL ALIVE
GWEN HAS HAD BETTER NIGHTS
EMMA WEBSTER IS A MARKED WOMAN
EMMA WEBSTER IS ABOUT TO BE OFF THE MARKET AGAIN
RHYS WILLIAMS IS A CHANGED MAN
IANTO MISSES POCKETS
GWEN IS THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER
EMMA WEBSTER IS DETERMINED
OWEN HARPER IS STILL DEAD
IANTO CAN RIDE A HORSE ACROSS A BEACH WITHOUT FEAR OR SHAME
2. LUCKY DEBBIE’S DUTY-FREE PURSUIT OF LOVE
IANTO IS HAVING A FLASHBACK
JACK IS MAKING A BREAKTHROUGH
THE STRANGE ALIEN DEVICE IS PLOTTING TO TAKE OVER FROM JEREMY KYLE AFTER THIS
ROSS KIELTY IS MISTAKEN IN HAPPINESS
RHYS IS IN SO MUCH TROUBLE
JACK IS SOFTLY, SOFTLY CATCHEE MONKEY
IANTO IS EXPLAINING HOW COFFEE IS LIKE LIFE
GWEN IS NOWHERE, AND IT’S FOR BLOODY EVER
CAPTAIN JACK, CAPTAIN JACK, GET OFF YOUR BACK, GO INTO TOWN, DON’T LET US DOWN. OH NO, NO.
MOZART IS SPONSORED BY CHOLESTRIA
YVONNE IS NOW LIVING IN A FISH RESTAURANT
3. DAMAGED GODS
GOD IS DEAD (BORED)
JACK IS REMEMBERING AN AGREEMENT
CAPTAIN JACK HAS KILLED THE WABBIT, KILLED THE WABBIT
THE PERFECTION DANCES IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS
JACK IS IN FOR A TREAT WHEN HE CHECKS THE CCTV
CAPTAIN JACK GOES TO THE WALL
IANTO KNOWS THE TRUE VALUE OF A NUGGET
ERIC DOESN’T FEEL LIKE DANCING, NO SIR, NO DANCING TODAY
GWEN WELCOMES CAREFUL DRIVERS
CARDIFF IS A ONE-WAY CITY
BOUNCER BEN IS WONDERING WHY HIS NOSE GOT BROKEN
IANTO IS JUST MURDER ON THE DANCE FLOOR
CAPTAIN JACK IS BARGAINING
RUDYARD IS SADLY ALL MOUTH
IANTO JONES COULD TEACH YOU, BUT HE’D HAVE TO CHARGE
IANTO IS CIVILISATION. END OF.
EMMA WEBSTER IS STARTING AFRESH
MADONNA IS A GAY ICON FOR BEGINNERS
EPILOGUE: WHAT THE STRANGE ALIEN DEVICE ACTUALLY SAID TO CAPTAIN JACK
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
